You Do What?!

Well, I don't think I've mentioned this before, but it's quite possible that I have already, but I suffer from trichotillomania. I'm sure you're wondering what the hell that is. Well, it's an obsessive compulsive disorder that is characterized by the urge to pull out one's own hair. So, yes, I pull my hair out. Specifically, the thicker strands or the ones that have kinky textures. (I don't mean kinky as in sexy, but kinky as in a kink in a water hose). Ones that just stand out from my thin, straight hair. (Something on me is actually straight. Surprise!). I actually used to have thick ringlets in the back, right above my neck. I buzzed off the back and the sides, however, but the hair their is still very course. That tends to be a spot I pull from a lot. Right behind my ears, the top of my head where my colic is, which, normally doesn't appear when you cut your hair as short as I do, but mine defies that odd. It sticks up a lot of the time, anyway. Sometimes I'll sift through my bangs, trying to find the right strand. But the thing is, I can do this for hours. I tend to do this all day during school, with certain times of the day where it's real bad. I tend to get the urges the worst during 3rd and 4th period. This makes it quite embarrassing because I tend to pull out a lot during 3rd period. Almost everyday, I leave hair all over the floor and it's just very... gross and sad at the same time. I've very self-conscious about this condition.

I pull my hair out as a way to deal with anxiety or depression. Pulling out my hair eases it, but then it creates more anxiety!It's a nasty cycle. I'm trying to stop, though. It'll take time. I've been pulling out my hair since 2014, so, it's been three years. I almost have no eyebrows, either. I used to rip them out real bad. However, I don't really pull at those very much anymore. Which this is good. I want them to grow back. ALl summer of 2016 I looked like a fucking Shiba Inu, you know, those little dogs? Here, I'll show you one:

I'm not that cute, however. I also don't know how to get the typing to be on the right hand side of the page again. Oh well. I hope it's not too noticeable. Anyway, yeah,

It was a pretty shitty time. I hated it. They grew back in come September but I had to go and rip them all fucking off again. Look at me! I really should stop being so self deprecating. I've been getting a lot better with the eyebrow pulling, at least. I hardly ever pull them now in school or even at home. I feel tempted as I talk about them, but I'm going to resist that urge. I'm also incredibly hungry and feeling a little shaky because of my hunger. Oh well. I can go eat later. Right? I always feel sick after eating anymore, so I don't really eat as I would like to. Last night was an exception, however. I ate so much.

I actually started typing out this article, well, one similar to it on my hone yesterday during third period. I was pulling like a mad man so I decided to use one of my techniques, which is one that I hardly ever use, and I asked to leave to use the restroom. I stayed in there for a while, trying to calm myself down and reiterate my mindset to focus on school and try to think of a different way to direct my urges to pull. I remembered I had this rubber fidget toy in my book bag so I decided I would take a trip down to my locker on the main floor, on the other side of the academic wing and get it. I brought it with me to class. It's this little ball of nothing but rubber strings. It's like taking 200 rubber bands, cutting them in half, and then stapling them all together. I try to use it as "faux hair". It's pretty effective but not 100%. Which that's normal. The purpose of it is to act as my hair that I can pick and pull. Sometimes it snaps and I end up hurting myself. Which is something I'm okay with. Maybe I can train myself to learn that if I pull I will get hurt. Like how some people decide to use electric fences and shock collars on their dogs. Maybe I should get a shock collar for myself. I'm just playing. I don't really support those sorta of objects.

I've tried to keep an agenda where I would put a sticker on each day that I don't pull out any hair except for ones that I plan to, such as the pesky ones you sometimes get on your chin or cheek or just random stray eyebrows or ones that are just weird looking. I don't know. But that was actually really affective and a good motivational tool. That one really helped, honestly. I guess I just kind of forgot about it.

My therapist suggested I get an eyebrow pencil and draw them on. So, that's what I do every day. That also helps deter me now as I don't want to smear it or have it rubbed off in school. It's pretty embarrassing without eyebrows honestly. Even around my family. I'm hoping for the best, however. This is just an on going struggle that I may never be able to overcome. It's something I have to learn to live with and something that I have to learn to manage, control it, and cope with it.